This message is for my mom; what I want to say if there is a possibility she may hear me…in some capacity. I speak this directly to you mom.
First of all, I love you so much. My love for you has not faltered but only grown. The other day Jesseca said that you are still the most magical person she has ever known. Your magic still resonates deep in the fibers of us, in the creatures you delicately nurtured. Your magic is still as real today as it was when we were running free in the summer grass of our childhood country home.
Mom, thank you for all those hours you spent listening to me play the guitar while you cooked our dinner, or while you sat on the rocking chair fanning yourself to dry off the sweat of the cleaning you were always doing. You were always – and remain – my best, most patient listener; always filled with such thoughtful sentiment for my songs and singing, leaving me to feel that I may have something people may connect with.
Mom, my album is done. Remember listening to all the raw tracks Evan sent over as we recorded them? Well, they have been mastered. The day you died, and the days that followed, this thought kept pulsing through my being, “I need to honor your life by being the person you believed I could be”. So that weekend, I emailed Evan and said, “let’s do this. Let’s finish this album”.
I don’t know if you are aware of this mom, but my album release is coming up. It is time for me to share this music that you were my first audience for. You don’t know this, but I called the album “Like the Sea” because I knew how much the sea meant to us. Blue and grey and green, like in Sarah Plain and Tall, the movie we watched with you so many times growing up. You made me love films too.
I am dearly going to miss your presence at my show Friday night. I am going to miss seeing your hand tap the table to the beat of my rhythm. I am going to miss seeing your long, silver hair. I am going to miss pointing you out in the crowd and embarrassing you. But most of all, I am going to miss that smile you would give Jerissa, Elizabeth, and me as we sang our hearts out openly on the stage; that smile that said “my daughters are exactly where they belong”.
Mom, I know I don’t talk to you much, and when I do lately it is more through tears, calling out your name and asking “Mom, why”. But sometimes I silence everything and listen more deeply than I have ever listened. I am listening for you, profoundly wanting to feel some piece of you…alive. Nothing comes of this. Perhaps I should stop waiting for you to send me a sign but instead I send them to you. Jerissa and Elizabeth will be joining me on stage for the release show. Mom, whenever we sing our harmonies know we are reaching for you. I hope you feel it.
I love you…always.
Beyond time, existence, and gravity.